January 15, 2018

I’m thinking a lot about trajectories these days.  It’s been a while since I’ve written b/c I’ve been on a certain trajectory.  By all accounts, it has been a good one.  Great job, husband, baby boy, and a Chesapeake Bay Retriever to boot.  But there’s been an aching in the past little while; the kind of longing that comes from someplace else.  While everyone was saying how glamorous and great and successful it has all been, something started to gnaw away at it not being my truth.  That, of course, excludes the husband and baby part – they feel very true and right.  But the city, the job, the company, the community.  It has started to feel separate from me.

So it took some time to muster the courage to ask myself the really hard questions.  “Is this still the thing I should be doing?” And I’m not as sure what the answer is as I am sure of what the question points to.  I have an incredible fear of leaving this trajectory.  It’s a good one, I can make assumptions about where it goes and what a life on it would look like.  If i shifted gears and moved on to a new trajectory, would it be ‘less’ than this one? I am afraid.